I am unwell. Mentally and physically.
In my experience, it’s always intertwined.
And over time I’ve learned to approach it more gently.
If I’m for the tenth time contemplating whether I did lock the door or leave it open, I know that I’m exhausted. If I am angry or irritated, I am probably drained. If I feel like strangers look suspicious and seem dangerous, I am probably tired. Again.
Somehow when I remember that I am tired, it makes me feel a little bit better. My feelings start to lose intensity.
I am also aware of my fall-back routine. And if you can understand what your is, it’s easier to be kind to yourself.
Here’s my fall-back routine, more or less in order:
Undone brows. I usually like to fill in my brows. I do that almost every day, it makes me feel confident. If I don’t, I may be overwhelmed or consumed with stuff.
Unclean hair.
Late to bed. If I was too busy after work, I tend to overcompensate the entertainment.
Lunching late. If I start to feel even more unwell, it will be hard to choose what to eat. And if I can’t make a decision, I will put it off. Sometimes until I am barely functional.
Missing personal assignments. Only when I start to become sick and I have work-related or other commitments, do I skip on my personal projects. That’s what happened yesterday. And I am truly sorry.
Missing work-related stuff. I will probably let go of my laptop only when I am blurry-eyed. We’ll see about that this Monday.
I can reflect on these steps when they have already passed. But I still can’t stop the process, let alone prevent it from happening. I still have a ton of commitments I took when I felt better, more sure about those (not physically, though). I hope I can survive and be done with them at the beginning of next week. I hope I can heal and listen to myself more.
I will try to be wiser and not exhaust my (honestly, very limited) capacity again. I promise myself. Hope you feel better than me. Take care and rest (please).
Not to end on that note, Grammarly doesn’t seem to know what a melancholic or even depressed text looks like. Here’s its impression on this email:
What do you think? Was this email curious or joyful?